The cabin of an airliner creates quite a lot of hilarious situations:
For everything about ‘cabin crew’ humor take a look at “Say coffee or tea” in the Publications division. That book is about cabin crew, with excerpts from the book and cartoons.
PA left on and needing hot woman
This classic joke, with variations, can be found in almost every book with airline humor. And it must have happened somewhere, somehow…
During a particularly rough flight, the airliner pilot addresses his passengers: “The turbulence we passed through was rough, but we have passed that now. The rest of the flight is expected to be smooth.” The pilot was unaware that his PA switch was stuck on, and leaned over to the co-pilot and said “Boy, was that rough! What I need now is a hot woman and a cold beer.”
A flight attendant in the rear of the aircraft heard this, and ran forward to warn the pilot.
As she neared the cockpit, an elderly woman passenger stopped her saying “Don’t forget the beer!”
Pilot flies better than driving
In an attempt to keep the passengers from standing or moving around before taxiing was completed, the purser of a SouthWest flight said over the PA:
“Ladies and Gentlemen. Our pilots FLY much better than they DRIVE so please remain seated until the captain finishes taxiing and brings the aircraft to a complete stop at the terminal…”
Hard landing PA
Overheard on a flight on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain really had to fight the weather. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Anchorage, Alaska. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
After landing hard, the pilot gets on the PA system to explain the arrival: “Sorry for the hard landing folks. It wasn’t the pilot’s fault, and it wasn’t the plane’s fault. It was the asphalt.”
An airline pilot hammered his ship into the runway really hard on a certain flight. The airline had a policy, which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no M’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
After a lengthy delay at the gate while waiting to depart, the Captain finally came on the PA system and announced: “I’m sorry for the delay, but the machine that smashes your baggage and removes the handles is broken, so the ground crew is having to do it all by hand today!”
Do you know who I am
An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at the old Stapleton airport, a crowded flight was cancelled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you have any idea who I am?”
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.”
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore “F### you.”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry.
See This Red “S” On My Chest?
The rich-and-famous don’t always succeed in flaunting the rules, as the world-boxing champion learned on one flight. While the aircraft was pushed back, the flight attendant asked him to buckle his seatbelt.
The champ replied, “Superman don’t need no seatbelt!”
Without missing a beat, the savvy flight attendant replied: “Superman don’t need no airplane, either!”
The boxer buckled up without another word.
PA by part time comedian
“Good morning, everyone, and welcome aboard American Trans Air flight 458. Before we take off, I’d like to call your attention to some safety features we have on board. Each seat on board comes with a safety information card; we’d like you to read very carefully through this in preparation for the mid-flight test later on. I’d also like to call your attention to the smartly dressed flight attendants standing before you, who will be pointing out exits and other aircraft equipment. There are six exits on board, two at the back two in the middle and two at the front. Should there be a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically drop from above. Place these over your mouth and nose and begin breathing normally. Adults, put your own mask on before helping a child or an adult who’s acting like a child.
“Once we have reached a comfortable altitude, the captain will turn off the seat belt sign and you will be free to move about the cabin. If you need to use the bathroom, we have six on board, three forward and three aft. If you’re unfamiliar with the terms ‘fore’ and ‘aft,’ you’re in some trouble, aren’t you? We’d like to remind you that this is a no-smoking flight and, to ensure this, smoke detectors are installed in all lavatories. Federal law prohibits tampering with this device or with the hidden camera. Photographs will be available at the end of the flight.
“We’ll be showing two movies on today’s flight. Our first is entitled The Hijacking of Flight 458 [this flight’s number], followed by Jet Crash ’98. Both movies are based on real-life events, as told by American Trans Air cabin attendants. For the moment, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight, as I and the rest of the cabin attendants go below deck to begin searching through your luggage.”