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Hot-shot fighter vs. bomber
A young guy in an F-16 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.”
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.
Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do?”
“I just shut down two engines, kid.”
Fuel dumping on cops
In the days of the Northrop F-89 Scorpions, the Air Force pilot at an interceptor squadron was driving to work one day when he got caught in a speed trap on a road that ran very near to the end of the runway. He argued his case with the local cops, but to no avail.
Steaming mad and more than a little frustrated, he stormed into Operations demanding that an F-89 be readied for him immediately. Firing up the engines, he taxied to the active runway and took off.
Shortly after getting airborne, he declared an emergency and reversed course back to the field. Of course, being the good pilot that he was and ever-mindful not to exceed the max landing weight of his Scorpion, and having a fuel dumping system installed, he dumped his excess fuel…just as he reached the road near the end of the runway.
The fuel-drenched cops packed up their radar and weren’t seen anywhere near that area again for a very long time.
The size counts
Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.
After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, “Why, yes, I am — I fly a C-150.” Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.
Pointing to it, he tells his companion, “See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!”
You have been flying that damned airplane again
A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.
Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.
She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.
The motoring speed trap
Two members of the traffic police were out in the countryside with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 400 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Tornado hurtled over their heads.
The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe. The Tornado’s target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?), the Tornado was operating unarmed.
Hi performance going UP
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb.
During this climb he got a call from ATC as follows, “Ghost 53Z, from Approach. Say heading,” to which the pilot responded “Ooh, up, sir.”
The progress of the student during flying training was not good enough to allow him to continue the course and to become a fighter pilot. He had to leave the pilot training outfit but he wanted to remain in the Air Force and could be transferred into another sector. Asked for his preferences he replied:
” AAA, Anti Aircraft Artillery, because ‘if I don’t fly – nobody will”
Forced landing near airfield
The student in his primary trainer was flying a solo cross-country. He lost his way and before he finally ran out of fuel he decided to put it down on a road. With hardly any cars on the road he managed to coast his aircraft into a gas station and said to the attendant, “Fill ‘er up!”
The attendant just looked at the pilot.
“I bet you don’t get too many airplanes asking for a refuel,” said the pilot.
The attendant replied: “True, most pilots use that airport over there.”
No reverse on expensive fighter
At the Naval Air Station a young ground-crew member was being trained on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit for hot refueling. The instructor gave him a go and after quite some wild arm weaving the F14 was parking, but when checking they discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach the airplane.
“You’ll have to send him around again,” said the instructor.
“What?” he said, surprised. “They spend millions on these things and you can’t even put them in reverse?”